Paul (a movie review), the Word "Sklent," and Roses

Greetings, Evildoers.
I am upset.

As some of you probably know (though many of you probably don't) Simon Pegg and Nick Frost came out with another movie, Paul. It is not a part of the acclaimed "Blood and Cornetto Trilogy." And that, my friends, is the best thing about it: It is not a part of one of my favorite movie series.

Here's a brief synopsis (stolen from www.kids-in-mind.com a very helpful site):

Two English sci-fi fans (Simon Pegg and Nick Frost) make a pilgrimage to Comic Con and Nevada's Area 51, where they unexpectedly meet one of the legendary "grays," a real extraterrestrial (voiced by Seth Rogen). They agree to a road trip to help the alien escape to a desert meeting place, where his people will take him home, while being obstructed by an FBI Agent (Jason Bateman), Christians, the American government, and assorted others. Also with Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, John Lynch, Jane Lynch, Sigourney Weaver and Blythe Danner. Directed by Greg Mottola.

The story is old fashioned, I think we've all seen one version or another of new friends helping someone fight for their dreams. It was simple, yes, but had so much potential. They just didn't use it right. The story, overall, was 5/10 stars.

However... the rest of the movie brings that number WAY down.

Let me begin by saying that Paul has moderately clever moments at best, and quite a few funny sci-fi references. But my praise must end there. Most of it wasn't funny. Most of the jokes were either sex jokes (not even funny sex jokes, but just people saying "f***" and grabbing people etc.) and what wasn't a sex joke seemed to be an overtly blatant attack on Christianity.

I'm used to subtle attacks on Christianity, and the portrayal of Christians as crazy. Paul took it a couple (several) steps further. The Christians were six-day creationists, 4,000 year old Earth type. They believe the alien, Paul, is a demon. Paul tells them that his very existence disproves all Judeo-Christian beliefs. What's his big argument? "Evolution, Baby!" They never even stop to think about the fact that evolution and Christianity are not in conflict. One's a scientific theory about how species develop over time, and the other is a belief in a creator. But that's not my beef. I worry about that too much.

What annoyed me was when Paul did a mind-meld with the Christian girl and gave her knowledge and "freed" her from the bondage of Christianity. What did she decide to do with this newfound "freedom"? She decided to "do a lot of [swearing] kissing and fornicating." Some freedom. :P

It wasn't just that the writer's were obviously anti-Christian; it was that the entire movie seemed to be an attempt to make all Christians and Christiantiy seem like crazy, controlling, oppressive and stupid farmers who, although they won't swear, have no problem killing people. o.O That's not the Christianity I know, but that seemed to be the theme of the movie.

At the end when Paul was talking to the Christian girl he said "Sorry I scared you," and she answers, "You didn't scare me, you freed me."

Okay, I know what some of you are probably thinking. "Rafe's OCD and is probably overracting." I questioned myself on that too, and if it were only I that felt this way, I would wonder. However, my sister went to see it with me, and agreed that at some points it crossed the line into blasphemy. In fact it was she who prompted me to write a review.
But what really made me mad was that it was largely unfunny. They mocked Christians at every turn, but they couldn't even do it cleverly. It was, in my mind, a waste of money.

I give it 2/10 stars.


For those of you who are going to ignore my advice and see it anyway, just be warned it is totally not a kids show. Besides the anti-Christian message, it is also full of swearing, and sex jokes, and grabbing people. (They meant that to be funny, but it was mostly just gross.)


Sklent and Roses

However... now to be funny. :)

I'm hoping that from the title you were able to guess that "sklent" is a word. According to the Official Scrabble Dictionary "sklent" means the same thing as "slant." Perhaps this is a common word in your world and you're going "Don't you ever sklent your art to send messages of pain, fear and remorse?" (Which, by the by, I do.) On the other hand, if you're like me, you've never heard the word before and wonder why (WHY???) you've never heard it before... I can't answer that. That, my eager, young pupil, is something you must discover for yourself.

But, next time you're in someone's house and they have a picture hung crooked, tell them their photographs are at a great sklent. See how they react.

In related news, I was playing Scrabble, and had the great fortune to play a 76 point word. If you're not into Scrabble you'll probably say "oh," however, if you, like me, are a word guru, you will know that 76 point words are a bit of a rarity. I've scored higher before, but only on the internet with a dictionary (which is technically illegal, even though it was built into that particular computer game.) So the dictionary was illegal, but I wasn't cheating since it was built into the game... unrelated. Totally without cheating, I score 76 points... on the first word of the game. I AM the word guru.

As I wasn't saying...

I have a secret.

I was never big into roses.

I've never gotten much from them.

They seem too much like overused, pompous, self-centered flowers with delusions of grandeur that think they can capture a woman's heart with their mere presence! Buying a woman a rose (or eleven roses and one counterfeit rose) is so clichéd that it literally takes LESS THAN no effort or creativity. However, women seem to like overused, pompous, self-centered clichés, so, by all means, get your girlfriend a rose! Get her a dozen roses! A dozen lovely smelling roses!

Not that I've ever gotten much scent from roses.

I really haven't.

Granted I've haven't shoved my nostrils cheek-deep into the fumiest of rosebuds and whiffed like there was no tomorrow, but I have "stopped to smell the roses." It was fairly close to odorless. Perhaps there's something wrong with my nose, (in the smelling department not the size and/or shape department) or perhaps there was something wrong with that flower, (mutant roses?) but perhaps the analogy just sucks.

What does it really mean to "stop and smell the roses"? The literalist in me wants to describe keeling down on a muddy path and sniffing flowers of the genus Rosa. The metaphorist (not a real word) in me wants to say that it means we should take time out of our busy schedules to appreciate life, beauty, and... well... roses.

But I was never big into roses.

Besides, sometimes we need more than a snort of rose-scented, pompous, clichéd pollen. (Sometimes we're literally sick of pollen.) Sometimes we need to take a break from our completely whacked-out, crazy-ass routines and do something totally uncalled-for!!! …or at least something spontaneous and strange. Something akin to going to the local overpass and taking a gander at the work of our modern-day Michaelangelos.

So next time you're feeling stressed, depressed, overworked or borderline schizophrenic, I want you to do yourself a favor and stop…

Stop and read the graffiti.

A Discussion on Roses

Greetings, Evildoers.

I have a secret.

I was never big into roses.

I've never gotten much from them.

They seem too much like overused, pompous, self-centered flowers with delusions of grandeur that think they can capture a woman's heart with their mere presence! Buying a woman a rose (or eleven roses and one counterfeit rose) is so clichéd that it literally takes LESS THAN no effort or creativity. However, women seem to like overused, pompous, self-centered clichés, so, by all means, get your girlfriend a rose! Get her a dozen roses! A dozen lovely smelling roses!

Not that I've ever gotten much scent from roses.

I really haven't.

Granted I've haven't shoved my nostrils cheek-deep into the fumiest of rosebuds and whiffed like there was no tomorrow, but I have "stopped to smell the roses." It was fairly close to odorless. Perhaps there's something wrong with my nose, (in the smelling department not the size and/or shape department) or perhaps there was something wrong with that flower, (mutant roses?) but perhaps the analogy just sucks.

What does it really mean to "stop and smell the roses"? The literalist in me wants to describe keeling down on a muddy path and sniffing flowers of the genus Rosa. The metaphorist (not a real word) in me wants to say that it means we should take time out of our busy schedules to appreciate life, beauty, and... well... roses.

But I was never big into roses.

Besides, sometimes we need more than a snort of rose-scented, pompous, clichéd pollen. (Sometimes we're literally sick of pollen.) Sometimes we need to take a break from our completely whacked-out, crazy-ass routines and do something totally uncalled-for!!! …or at least something spontaneous and strange. Something akin to going to the local overpass and taking a gander at the work of our modern-day Michaelangelos.

So next time you're feeling stressed, depressed, overworked or borderline schizophrenic, I want you to do yourself a favor and stop…

Stop and read the graffiti.

~Magillichetti

Canada, Candida, Fungi, "Schma!" Stamos and Driveways... etc.

Greetings, Evildoers.
I am full of many uninteresting things to relate to you.

I was listening to a Physician’s Assistant speak on fungi--not our mushroom friends, but EVIL fungi--and she said that some particular fungus was not aspergillus, but candida. Only I thought she said “Canada.” I was about to rant and rave about the glorious discovery that Canada is a fungus. :D (They’re all fun guys up there…) But I would have been wrong. If it were not for my award winning* (note the splat) knowledge of fungal infections, I very well may have made a fool of myself. As it were, I realized in time that she was not saying what I thought she was saying, but was in fact saying something quite different.
___

*This was an honorary award given to me by… me.
___

It’s too bad really…

Canada would've made a great fungus.

Anywho, as it were… My sister (you may know her… but it is also possible that you don’t) once said something about “schma logic” and now I’ve written a poem about it.

Now, you should know, there are two ways to read this poem. Way #1: Ignore the italicized parentheticals, and read what’s left. Way #2: Read everything, including the italicized parentheticals. I suggest you read it in that order too.

The Power of “Schma!”
or “Plagiarism, Schmlagiarism…”

Schma fixes everything.
It gently blows forth
illogical, impenetrable dreams—
Schma makes life better.
Worries? Schmurries.           (McFlurries?)
Schma makes April safe.
Taxes? Schmaxes.                (Waxes doth the moon...)
It’s Schma logic.
Schma is magical
when life gets tragical,          (or otherwise hard to take)
It’s the unfeigned echoing
laughter of the fates,
It’s Schma.
Reality?
Schmeality.                           (Smile at it, eh?)
___

Brilliant, wasn’t it? If I wasn’t Catholic I think I’d start my own religion and call it “Schma-ism.” Not to be confused with “Shamanism” which, although I don’t know much about it, is (I am fairly certain) nothing at all like “Schma-ism.”


John Stamos was rumored to be Sheen’s replacement on Two and a Half Men. Stamos reported: "Contrary to the rumors, I am not replacing Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. However, Martin Sheen has asked me to be his son."


LOVE it!!!


"Use Our Driveway Instead!"

Why use our driveway instead? I'll tell you why. Because that's what I would do.

Okay, so I was driving home from school today and I passed a sign that said "Use our driveway instead!" This confused the hell (or "heck"--for those of you who prefer not to discuss driveways and damnation in the same paragraph) out of me. So I am currently hell/ck -less. Then it was pointed out to me, by a wise person who I may or may not call "Mother of Mine," that it was a reference to washing cars in driveways. The sign was at a carwash.

This also got me to thinking: Automatic Carwashes really are just "driveways." They don't need much parking space because there's really not much parking going on. (It's odd what consumes our mind--the communal mind--until we get distracted by something like buying a delicious cappuccino from a gas station.)

I want a segway. (Smooth transition there, Rafe...) If you or anyone you know is foolish enough to give away a segway for free (provided they have a segway in the first place) tell me. I'd love to rip them off. As it is, I don't know anyone that foolish with their belongings. (Someone once said--and I don't know who it was--that "synonyms are words we use when we don't know how to spell the word we want" or something like that.**) (Note the double splat.) Did you know segways cost several thousand dollars?

It's CRIMINAL!

Not really...

But now I can't get one... mostly because my budget is somewhere between "free" and "one stick of gum... previously used."
___

**I can't find the quote online... I heard it from a writing teacher, but I think she said she was quoting someone else.
___

And that's all I have for you today. Now it's off to write a bajillion things for school.

Until next time, go do some evil. ;)

Ciao!

~Magillichetti

How you got your name & Your Homework,

Greetings, Evildoers

This is a cannibalization of a couple of facebook notes. I know, I'm being lazy by repeating myself.

Here's when I named you:

So, I've noticed that all the greats have named their fans.


Grateful Dead fans: Dead Heads
Doctor Who fans: Whovians
Star Trek fans: Trekkies
Battlestar Galactica fans: Geeks
Rhett and Link fans: Mythical Beasts
Wheezy Waiter fans: Beard Lovers
Lady Gaga fans: Freaks
Comic Book fans: Toxic Waste (this is something I make up)
Raphael Biltz fans: Evildoers

----


Here I am doing my homework, and I decided to give all of my loyal fans some homework of their own. Don't worry, it requires no writing (unless you want it to) and it opens doors to comedy and making yourself looks smarter than those around you.


Here's what you have to do. You have to use at least five of these words in a conversation in such a way that makes sense. (You can't just recite the words and say you're done. You have to work them into real sentences that make sense that are somehow related to the topic at hand.)

I'm giving you quick definitions. If you want more precise definitions and more certainty of the nuances and connotations the words carry, you'll have to look them up yourself.

NOTE: All of these words can be found in the merrium-webster online dictionary. I am NOT making them up.

Here are the words:

Snollygoster: An unprincipled, but shrewd person. Like me.
Kerfuffle: A disturbance. Possibly in the force.
Tittle: A point or small sign used as a diacritical mark in writing or printing. Like the dot of an "i"
Hobbledehoy: An awkward, gawky young man. Let's say this is someone we don't like.
Brummagem: Not genuine or cheaply showy. Again... like me.
Snoticle: Frozen nasal mucus in or near one's nose. I have never had this... thank goodness.
Nonomatopoeia: A name that does not reflect the characteristic noise made by the referent. Like calling a dog a dog instead of an arf.

So there are your words. See what you can do with them. :)

"I felt a great kerfuffle in the force. As if a million hobbledehoys cried out and then suddenly suffered snoticles."
"But snollygosters have been extinct for a millinium."

Anywho...
 
-_-
Okay, so I went through and cleaned up my "drafts" of notes (back when Facebook saved every note you didn't finish as a draft) and so I had like three pages of blank notes. Technically this note was last saved on Wednesday, June 11, 2008 at 3:26am. It was blank... but I decided to use it anyway.

-_-

Okay, so one of you Evildoers actually asked for more homework. That's fun. So I came up with this assignment.

You must write and EPIC POEM. If you are unsure what an epic poem is, then look no further than those books on your shelf that no one ever reads... no, not the Bible... the other ones. I'm talking about The Iliad, The Odyssey, and possibly The Aneid.

What?

You don't have those books??? What kind of uncultured monstrosity are you???

Or maybe you do have those books, maybe you've even read them... in which case I pity you. They are horrible. I don't care what Max says.

*sigh*

Ye Evildoers of little taste... what shall I do with thee?

Okay, so basically an epic poem is "An epic (from the Ancient Greek adjective ἐπικός (epikos), from ἔπος (epos) "word, story, poem") is a lengthy narrative poem, ordinarily concerning a serious subject containing details of heroic deeds and events significant to a culture or nation." ( I steal this quote from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epic_poetry )

So when it says "lengthly" it means "really d*** long." All three poems listed above are several hundred pages long.

For your assignment "lengthly" can mean "somewhat d*** long." I'll accept about 15 lines of epic poetry. (More is allowed, but less is frowned upon in the same form as cannibalism and baby seal clubbing.)

To make this MORE interesting, all of your poems must be about one of the following topics:

1) Penguins versus Ferrets (a personal favorite of mine, as far as topics for poetry are concerned)
2) The secret life of Janitors (I'll admit, I don't know where this one came from)
3) A thousand zombies and the boy who cried wolf (this really does have epic potential)
4) Me and my heroic deeds (not to sway your creativity, but bonus points if you tell of how I invented unicorns)

Your work will be graded on the following scale:

Spelling, grammer, punctuation 1%
Epic language 55%
Cruelty to animals 7.5% (I'm not an advocate of cruelty to animals, it's just a grading scale. Sheesh... you don't need to call PETA... yet.)
Side splitting laughter 55%
Unrequitted love and/or gluttony 4.2%

This makes for a total of 122.7%

Don't let this confuse you... there is NO extra credit. . . I just suck at math.

So, Evildoers, until next time... how many of you will actually give me my poems?

-_-

Adios, amigos (and amigas) or is it amigals? I dunno... I don't speak Mexican.

(That is a joke, btw, Don't think I'm totally stupid. At least not because of this joke. You can think I'm stupid for other reasons if you want.)