Thursday, March 10, 2011

Canada, Candida, Fungi, "Schma!" Stamos and Driveways... etc.

Greetings, Evildoers.
I am full of many uninteresting things to relate to you.

I was listening to a Physician’s Assistant speak on fungi--not our mushroom friends, but EVIL fungi--and she said that some particular fungus was not aspergillus, but candida. Only I thought she said “Canada.” I was about to rant and rave about the glorious discovery that Canada is a fungus. :D (They’re all fun guys up there…) But I would have been wrong. If it were not for my award winning* (note the splat) knowledge of fungal infections, I very well may have made a fool of myself. As it were, I realized in time that she was not saying what I thought she was saying, but was in fact saying something quite different.

*This was an honorary award given to me by… me.

It’s too bad really…

Canada would've made a great fungus.

Anywho, as it were… My sister (you may know her… but it is also possible that you don’t) once said something about “schma logic” and now I’ve written a poem about it.

Now, you should know, there are two ways to read this poem. Way #1: Ignore the italicized parentheticals, and read what’s left. Way #2: Read everything, including the italicized parentheticals. I suggest you read it in that order too.

The Power of “Schma!”
or “Plagiarism, Schmlagiarism…”

Schma fixes everything.
It gently blows forth
illogical, impenetrable dreams—
Schma makes life better.
Worries? Schmurries.           (McFlurries?)
Schma makes April safe.
Taxes? Schmaxes.                (Waxes doth the moon...)
It’s Schma logic.
Schma is magical
when life gets tragical,          (or otherwise hard to take)
It’s the unfeigned echoing
laughter of the fates,
It’s Schma.
Schmeality.                           (Smile at it, eh?)

Brilliant, wasn’t it? If I wasn’t Catholic I think I’d start my own religion and call it “Schma-ism.” Not to be confused with “Shamanism” which, although I don’t know much about it, is (I am fairly certain) nothing at all like “Schma-ism.”

John Stamos was rumored to be Sheen’s replacement on Two and a Half Men. Stamos reported: "Contrary to the rumors, I am not replacing Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. However, Martin Sheen has asked me to be his son."

LOVE it!!!

"Use Our Driveway Instead!"

Why use our driveway instead? I'll tell you why. Because that's what I would do.

Okay, so I was driving home from school today and I passed a sign that said "Use our driveway instead!" This confused the hell (or "heck"--for those of you who prefer not to discuss driveways and damnation in the same paragraph) out of me. So I am currently hell/ck -less. Then it was pointed out to me, by a wise person who I may or may not call "Mother of Mine," that it was a reference to washing cars in driveways. The sign was at a carwash.

This also got me to thinking: Automatic Carwashes really are just "driveways." They don't need much parking space because there's really not much parking going on. (It's odd what consumes our mind--the communal mind--until we get distracted by something like buying a delicious cappuccino from a gas station.)

I want a segway. (Smooth transition there, Rafe...) If you or anyone you know is foolish enough to give away a segway for free (provided they have a segway in the first place) tell me. I'd love to rip them off. As it is, I don't know anyone that foolish with their belongings. (Someone once said--and I don't know who it was--that "synonyms are words we use when we don't know how to spell the word we want" or something like that.**) (Note the double splat.) Did you know segways cost several thousand dollars?


Not really...

But now I can't get one... mostly because my budget is somewhere between "free" and "one stick of gum... previously used."

**I can't find the quote online... I heard it from a writing teacher, but I think she said she was quoting someone else.

And that's all I have for you today. Now it's off to write a bajillion things for school.

Until next time, go do some evil. ;)



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