Tuesday, March 1, 2011

How you got your name & Your Homework,

Greetings, Evildoers

This is a cannibalization of a couple of facebook notes. I know, I'm being lazy by repeating myself.

Here's when I named you:

So, I've noticed that all the greats have named their fans.

Grateful Dead fans: Dead Heads
Doctor Who fans: Whovians
Star Trek fans: Trekkies
Battlestar Galactica fans: Geeks
Rhett and Link fans: Mythical Beasts
Wheezy Waiter fans: Beard Lovers
Lady Gaga fans: Freaks
Comic Book fans: Toxic Waste (this is something I make up)
Raphael Biltz fans: Evildoers


Here I am doing my homework, and I decided to give all of my loyal fans some homework of their own. Don't worry, it requires no writing (unless you want it to) and it opens doors to comedy and making yourself looks smarter than those around you.

Here's what you have to do. You have to use at least five of these words in a conversation in such a way that makes sense. (You can't just recite the words and say you're done. You have to work them into real sentences that make sense that are somehow related to the topic at hand.)

I'm giving you quick definitions. If you want more precise definitions and more certainty of the nuances and connotations the words carry, you'll have to look them up yourself.

NOTE: All of these words can be found in the merrium-webster online dictionary. I am NOT making them up.

Here are the words:

Snollygoster: An unprincipled, but shrewd person. Like me.
Kerfuffle: A disturbance. Possibly in the force.
Tittle: A point or small sign used as a diacritical mark in writing or printing. Like the dot of an "i"
Hobbledehoy: An awkward, gawky young man. Let's say this is someone we don't like.
Brummagem: Not genuine or cheaply showy. Again... like me.
Snoticle: Frozen nasal mucus in or near one's nose. I have never had this... thank goodness.
Nonomatopoeia: A name that does not reflect the characteristic noise made by the referent. Like calling a dog a dog instead of an arf.

So there are your words. See what you can do with them. :)

"I felt a great kerfuffle in the force. As if a million hobbledehoys cried out and then suddenly suffered snoticles."
"But snollygosters have been extinct for a millinium."

Okay, so I went through and cleaned up my "drafts" of notes (back when Facebook saved every note you didn't finish as a draft) and so I had like three pages of blank notes. Technically this note was last saved on Wednesday, June 11, 2008 at 3:26am. It was blank... but I decided to use it anyway.


Okay, so one of you Evildoers actually asked for more homework. That's fun. So I came up with this assignment.

You must write and EPIC POEM. If you are unsure what an epic poem is, then look no further than those books on your shelf that no one ever reads... no, not the Bible... the other ones. I'm talking about The Iliad, The Odyssey, and possibly The Aneid.


You don't have those books??? What kind of uncultured monstrosity are you???

Or maybe you do have those books, maybe you've even read them... in which case I pity you. They are horrible. I don't care what Max says.


Ye Evildoers of little taste... what shall I do with thee?

Okay, so basically an epic poem is "An epic (from the Ancient Greek adjective ἐπικός (epikos), from ἔπος (epos) "word, story, poem") is a lengthy narrative poem, ordinarily concerning a serious subject containing details of heroic deeds and events significant to a culture or nation." ( I steal this quote from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epic_poetry )

So when it says "lengthly" it means "really d*** long." All three poems listed above are several hundred pages long.

For your assignment "lengthly" can mean "somewhat d*** long." I'll accept about 15 lines of epic poetry. (More is allowed, but less is frowned upon in the same form as cannibalism and baby seal clubbing.)

To make this MORE interesting, all of your poems must be about one of the following topics:

1) Penguins versus Ferrets (a personal favorite of mine, as far as topics for poetry are concerned)
2) The secret life of Janitors (I'll admit, I don't know where this one came from)
3) A thousand zombies and the boy who cried wolf (this really does have epic potential)
4) Me and my heroic deeds (not to sway your creativity, but bonus points if you tell of how I invented unicorns)

Your work will be graded on the following scale:

Spelling, grammer, punctuation 1%
Epic language 55%
Cruelty to animals 7.5% (I'm not an advocate of cruelty to animals, it's just a grading scale. Sheesh... you don't need to call PETA... yet.)
Side splitting laughter 55%
Unrequitted love and/or gluttony 4.2%

This makes for a total of 122.7%

Don't let this confuse you... there is NO extra credit. . . I just suck at math.

So, Evildoers, until next time... how many of you will actually give me my poems?


Adios, amigos (and amigas) or is it amigals? I dunno... I don't speak Mexican.

(That is a joke, btw, Don't think I'm totally stupid. At least not because of this joke. You can think I'm stupid for other reasons if you want.)

1 comment:

  1. I guess copy and paste doesn't get all the formatting I used on facebook. Some of this is hard to read. I apologize.